Promises, Promises: a romp with plenty of dykes, a unicorn, an ogre, an oracle, a quest, a princess, and true love with a happily ever after

A talking pearl earring.
A gleaming white unicorn.
A flower from an ogre.

Sandy Blunt, witch, has big dreams but C-average magic skills. Her only noteworthy talent is for paying extravagant compliments to women. Trouble is, when she uses that gift, she unwittingly foretells the future for a pretty princess. The punishment for prophesying about one of royal blood is death. With the help of ill-assorted companions, including a self-proclaimed princess in disguise with a wild imagination, a self-absorbed member of the royal guard, and the not-so-average girl next door, Sandy has a year and a day to travel to far-flung places – encountering such dangerous creatures as a dragon who writes awful poetry, slovenly elves, and boarding house landladies – to collect the weird and magical items needed to turn her prophecies into promises and so evade the executioner.