The Cynical Expat’s Guide to Provoking Street Revolutions in Central Asia

The former Soviet Republic of Kajbezistan is known for many things, notably: the statues of Stalin that still feature prominently in towns throughout the country, the use of a large cauldron to slowly simmer dissidents alive, a violent forced beard-shaving campaign, and the noble tradition of bride kidnapping. All of this is lovingly ruled over with a scrap-metal fist by Gulganberdybacha Islambaev, Kajbezistan’s octogenarian president-for-life. But unfortunately for the lucky citizens of Kajbezistan, a drunken expat named Rupert is on an unintentional collision course with the wise leadership of this stable state.

Rupert, known as “Rupert the Racist” to his fellow alcoholic members of a vaguely British running club in Kajbezistan’s capital, has recently been fired as project manager of the Presbyterian Aid Services NGO for trading women’s empowerment grants for sexual favors from the locals. He is left unemployed with six months remaining on his visa, and a pocket full of undistributed humanitarian aid money that he embezzled from his employer. With time and money on his hands, Rupert sets out to explore Kajbezistan with Johnny, his completely trustworthy local guide and fixer who doubles as prostitution consultant and recreational drug buyer. Along the way they meet various Kajbezistani eccentrics, State Department imbeciles, United Nations sex fiends, KGB dimwits, Russian “tourists,” underground Islamists, greedy shamans, clueless backpackers, anarcho-syndicalist European PhD students, and various others who will help to shape Rupert’s view of the world as liveable only for nihilistic drunks. Not so shockingly, things end up going terribly wrong for everybody involved…